Feminist Aspie

Just Another Post About Shame

A couple of weeks ago, Musings of an Aspie and Autisticook (who are both awesome and you should go and look at their blogs *right now*) wrote posts about shame associated with the autistic spectrum, so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon with a list of probably-relevant things which I’ve been ashamed to talk about properly to some degree. Here we go, then:

  • I never really got the hang of riding a bike. Incidentally, I’m studying in Oxford; for those of you that have never been there, it’s literally BIKES, BIKES EVERYWHERE, and now that I won’t be living in college anymore, I think things are going to get very awkward very quickly. Evidently, I’d like to learn, but at my age people are expected to not need to learn so everything’s aimed at (neurotypical, able-bodied) kids. I meant to try and resolve this issue over the summer, but it hasn’t happened.
  • I meant to do so many things over the summer, but it hasn’t happened. I’m getting very worried about the inevitable “What did you do in the holidays?” question when I go back to uni.
  • I’m still a massively picky eater, although this is something I’ve been working on and I am getting a lot better at trying new things. I have to admit that all the really formal stuff at uni still makes me nervous, though!
  • Whilst I don’t have the bladder issue described by Autisticook in the post I’ve linked to above, I really don’t like asking to, well, do anything really, and… erm… let’s just say that’s almost landed me in trouble a couple of times.
  • I’ve started accidentally abandoning FeministAspie for days at a time because my executive function has gone completely to pot over the summer, so I’m trying to blog more now. Which is the reason for this post, I guess.
  • Yet I seem to have developed the ability to waste entire days online.
  • I wrote a post the other week which started and ended with “Don’t… think… this will just blow over”. Well, guess what?! IT’S JUST BLOWN OVER. I don’t really want to talk about that ongoing situation, but the point is that I have all the assertiveness of a blade of grass. Not ideal.
  • Sometimes I sort of daydream about having meltdowns or a more severe shutdown in imaginary stressful situations and how other people would react, especially people from uni. I think I’ve always done this to a certain extent, but I’ve only really noticed it this year. I don’t know why I do this; it’s almost certainly not good for me. Maybe it’s because I am yet to have a “proper” public meltdown at uni (although – typical – I came very close on the last night of the year!) so part of me wants people to understand. I don’t know.
  • My ultimate solution to all problems is to ignore them, close my eyes until they go away, and hide behind distractions of some form. Unsurprisingly, this isn’t really working out for me.
  • I worry that all this tiptoeing and pacing on tiptoes is going to damage my feet when I’m older, no thanks to being told that by a number of people, all with the clear ulterior motive of “that’s weeeeeeeeeeeird” but there’s probably some truth in it. I then worry that when this does happen, I’ll be blamed for it.

That’s all I can think of at the moment. It’s always nice to get things out in the open, even if it’s just so you know you’re not alone. I’ll probably think of so many things I could have added to this list the second I hit “Publish”. I worry too much. 😛

The next day…

Told you I’d forget something! And maybe this is just because it’s causing a lot of shame right now, but I thought it was such a big one that I should go back and add it to this post.

You see, my (NT) brother has just pointed out that I haven’t actually left the house since Monday afternoon (it’s now Thursday noon-ish). He thinks this is really abnormal (choice quote: “Do you not… like… lose air?!”) but the thing is, I hadn’t really even noticed until he asked me about it. To be honest, for me in the school/uni holidays that’s pretty normal. Although now it’s making me feel like a hugely inadequate person, especially thinking about other people from uni and how productive the holidays have probably been for them. Heck, I haven’t even made a dent into my metaphorical “TV shows to watch” list, and that’s what most people seem to do when they’re being unproductive, so I feel even more unproductive. Have I really spent the entire day online again?!

This time last year I didn’t know executive function was a thing, but I sure have issues with it!!

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On Being Taken Seriously

(I should probably give a CW for strong language…)

Don’t think this will just blow over.

Don’t think I only express anger because I’m an irrational bitch who “goes jackshit crazy once a month” (not my words). In fact, don’t assume I’m on my period at all.

Don’t think I haven’t thought anything through.

Don’t think I’ll forget everything I know the second I see you again.

Don’t think I’ll change my mind at the first sight of some pretty flowers. Oh, and don’t use them to act like I owe you, to guilt-trip me into just going along with it.

Don’t think I’m too silly or emotional to understand when you’re the one trying to shout me into submission.

Because women can have opinions too, and they’re not all based on fucking hormones.

Don’t think that past love and kindness mean you’re eternally entitled to get away with whatever you want.

Don’t think that past love and kindness mean you’re entitled to have me forever. Actually, don’t think you can “have me” at all. I’m not a thing.

Don’t think you can manipulate me into doing or thinking anything.

Don’t think I don’t have a will of my own, a life of my own, a mind of my own.

Don’t invalidate “no” to the point that I’m a little scared to say it.

And don’t you ever

ever

ever

think

not even for one tiny second

that this will just blow over.

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